Welp. It's official.
COLLEGE IS HARD.
I know you are all probably laughing at me thinking "duh". But I honestly did not expect college to be this challenging. Of course I knew it would be difficult but not once did I think I would cry for hours on end over a stupid test that won't matter to me in a few years, or even a few months.
Which brings me to my next rant.
Why must exams be such a huge deal? They literally do NO GOOD for anyone. I can't even explain to you all of the things wrong with me because of stress. I have literally worried myself sick. I have also successfully, and unwillingly, bitten off all of my finger nails. My lips are also red and cracked from biting them with worry. Gross right? Yeah, I know.
I don't mean to be a complainer. Honest. I really enjoy college. The people are great and most of my professors are wonderful. I just can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that one exam either causes you to pass or fail a class. I can honestly say for myself that I do fabulous in class. I participate. I ask questions. I do what a "good/normal" student does. So why am I such an awful test taker? Why do I freeze up and go blank? I study for hours and for what? To choke because of a silly piece of paper sitting on my desk? Riddle me that people!!
If there is one thing I have learned from all of this, however, is that God is in control. Granted, I have not felt that way this week. In fact, I even doubted a few times that he was actually present. I know it's crazy talk but I felt so alone and scared so rather than trust, I just panicked and took it all up on my shoulders. I've come to the realization though that God has a plan. Just because a test didn't go the way I wanted it to, doesn't mean my world is going to fall apart (thank you mother). I also learned that if I worry about the entire weeks stresses, rather than just the days, it's considered sin. I was reading my sister's blog the other day and it was a sign from God. She was talking about being stressed and how if we worry about the entire week rather than just the day, we are committing a sin because we aren't having faith in God that he will get us through.
I do believe God will carry me through all of this hurt and chaos in my life right now. I'm just slowly learning.
On a happier note, I have been absolutely OBSESSED with Florence & The Machine. Well. I've always been obsessed. But I was reminded of their music recently and I fell in love all over again. "Cosmic Love" has been on repeat for the past hour. I'm telling you, I have an addiction.
Along with her beautiful music, my sister showed me the band The Lower Lights and they too have been on repeat for the past couple of days. If you find you're stressing out, take a listen. I guarantee you will feel better.
My prayers go out to those of you who have finals this week.
(I will also gladly accept any prayers for my last 3 finals)
"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me" -Psalm 23:4
KJ
P.S.
Listen to the song "Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus". Immediate calming :)
http://thelowerlights.com/music/
I am the same way Kali. I am a horrible test taker and freeze up when under pressure. There are ways to avoid this though at the collegiate level. Make sure on all homework assignments/major projects to do outstanding work. That way, you can afford a less then stellar grade on a test. I made sure to focus on English classes because I excel more at writing then at test taking. I will be in Lincoln on Friday until the end of the year. If you want to grab coffee or something let me know. :)
ReplyDeleteLove ya girl and good luck this week! YOU CAN DO IT!